Hope and Faith

I was in the office that afternoon when results were being released. My heart was pumping so fast, my breath just couldn't keep up. I was waiting for my lunch break because I felt it in my gut that I did not do well this time around. 5 minutes to my lunch break when everyone was already celebrating their success; I logged on.

I took the lift down and called my mom. 3 minutes that almost felt like forever, I held back my tears and upon hearing my mom's voice, I couldn't help but broke down in tears. I was well prepared to hear her yelling at me through the phone but instead, she told me that everything was going to be ok. 

I must admit I was so devastated up to the point where I didn't think all of this was worth it anymore. Then Leon told me that it's ok to fail every once in a while. It got me thinking... eventually I realized that I have never failed in anything before. Nothing in which I have worked for to get, that is. I was so engrossed in making Law Night 2011 a success that I had no time to even think about my studies. No, that is not an excuse. I should have worked harder to succeed in both Law Night and my finals. Well, NOW I know. Unfortunately, I had to learn it the hard way. 


So I picked up the pieces and was determine to do better for the coming semester. Can you believe I actually prepared for my tutorials? I have NEVER. EVER. bothered to do so. I would always attend tutorials unprepared and divert my attention elsewhere during lectures and end up having to study like crazy during exams. My grades were nothing to shout about, of course. 


This morning, I was lying in bed while Leon was checking his results and I couldn't help but smile as his face lit up when he saw that he passed his final trimester. I was so proud of him. Then it was my turn. I have been avoiding to face it because I was still not over my last failure. 


Now, I don't know what to feel. 


I'm glad that I passed all my subjects with quite satisfying grades. I'm excited for Leon because he can finally start working like he always wanted. But come Monday, I'll have to work extra hard as I will be taking 7 subjects. 


What if I fail again? I'll have to extend for another year. 
I don't think my family can handle another failure coming from me. 
I'm not ready to fail.
I'm not ready to face.
I get weak in the knees whenever I think about what's coming for me. 


Everyone is telling me that I can nail this. Can I now, really? 


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Yeah, you know what. I'm not leaving any possibilities for anymore failures. I have never done this before. The most I did was 6 subjects in a trimester. Even that was during my alpha year. But... I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to graduate in time and look around as my friends have that smile on their faces. I'm not going to let myself feeling left out.

Right now, failure is not an option.