Save as draft

Haven't been here in a while.

Have a few drafts saved up. It's one of those days where you can't just walk it off. It's one of those  "I need to let this out" days and at the end of the paragraph, I decide that it's not worth it.

It's quite funny if I actually sit and think about it. I write the most depressing thoughts and feelings and I have never had a problem publishing those posts for everyone to read. For everyone to relate. And people often come up to me and ask me if whether I am ok. And I always tell them the same thing -- I am fine. That's just me writing. Don't you think the saddest vocabularies make the most beautiful sentences?

But. I find it difficult to publish pieces which are real to me. Pieces which have not been proofread. Pieces which did not require me to believe I was in someone else's shoes. Pieces which did not rhyme. Pieces which usually lack sense. Pieces which are unstructured. Pieces which are just... me. So these pieces end up being saved drafts. Drafts that will soon be forgotten. A piece of memory of a feeling you never want to look back at.

Why? Never actually thought about it.

Ashamed, maybe. Afraid of being ridiculed. Not wanting to seem weak. Embarrassed for having such childish thoughts. Allowing others to know what makes you vulnerable. Admitting to the fact that you're losing your mind.

Or maybe because you know that this is merely a phase. And that this too shall pass. And there is no need to put something so temporary unto something permanent.

Part 1: Blast from the past

"Don't tell me I'm overreacting! This will never end! Year after year and she still keeps running back to you. And you! You let her. This is never going to end, is it?" she's screaming now, crying almost as if she was begging herself to stop. Stop, you silly girl. Just stop. He doesn't hear your heart breaking. All he hears is the sound of hundreds of plates falling off the counter, creating a lifetime of mess. He doesn't feel your nails slowly piercing through the soft skin of your palms. All he feels is confusion and sheer anger towards your unreasonable demands. 

"You're being ridiculous. Just please calm down. What do you want me to do? I'm with you now, aren't I? I chose you. She is part of my past and she means nothing to me! Why can't you see that?!" he now remembers the first time he laid eyes on her. The shine in her eyes. The mesmerizing smile she wore. The lingering scent she left as she rushed by him. If only he could let her see her in his eyes. She was perfect. He loved her with all his heart. And he chose to be hers. He chose to admire the gentle madness she had in her. He chose to carry her to bed on nights she was too tired to open her eyes. He chose watching her fall asleep in his arms every night. He chose her. 

"With me now. Chose me. Why do you make it sound like you didn't have a choice! Why do you always make it sound like you settled for me because you couldn't make it work with her!? Why do you keep running to her unkept promises!? Why!" your heart is taking over your mind now and words you've sworn to keep safely locked in your heart have recklessly found their way out. Stop. Stop making things worse. But you can't seem to hold them in much longer. As your whole body starts to tremble uncontrollably and light sobbing turns into this heart wrenching wail, you wished clenching your hands tightly, leaving nail prints on your skin would make the pain go away. 

"You're being unreasonable. I love you and you know it." he falls to his knees next to her as if praying to get through to her.

"You love me. Of course you do. But not enough to stop her from hurting me through you". 

Four walls

Your little game of hide and seek is getting boring

You've found a way to break me just enough to lead me to the saddest ending

My biggest regret is that I let you in without realising

You've given me less than nothing

And the worst lie was when you held me close and said you must've been dreaming

Lynette Tan

"You know I told you that I wasn't scared? -- Well I lied.
Those four walls now are the only place that I can breathe out."

.

Like I used to

It's funny when you think about the things that used to be.

Like the time you felt so loved, you felt like nothing could ever come close to hurting you.

Or like the time you felt so alone, you felt the darkness during the day when the sun was at its brightest. 

Or what about the time you were so happy, you thought it would last a lifetime.

Or maybe the time you felt so insecure, you thought maybe if you left it all behind, it would break them.

Or like the time you felt so broken, you thought you were losing your mind and for a moment in time, you didn't know what was happening to you.

Or do you remember the time you felt so unwanted and when you tried to talk about it, they brushed you off?

It's funny how we let ourselves be so vulnerable with all these feelings. How we let them take over our minds for that split second. And you feel so stupid for putting those feelings to words. Why put something so temporary to something so permanent? Silly girl for wasting so much time picking and choosing words to best describe them and revealing them to the world. 

That person who you've made your entire universe who possibly cannot read your wavering handwritten notes to make out the words you fumble as you write because as you write, you let your feelings take control of every muscle in your body. As your knees weaken and you feel your heart fasten and your hands shiver as your mind is in a drunken stupor and your lips quiver as your eyes are locked on spilled black ink.

Only to watch it all go to waste. 

Lynette Tan 

The complexity of simplicity

Say nothing, take a sit,

And the puzzles will fit,

And though we speak about nothing, 

Is this not worth something? 

To just see behind the mask,

To find an answer without having to ask,

While we sit without even a whisper, 

While we let our thoughts wander.

And what if I did speak,

On the days that were bleak?

Would you not take a sit beside?

And for  a while,let us just put the world aside.

-J

The Only One

It's funny how we all live in this delusional state of mind thinking that we're the 'only one'. There is no such thing as 'the only one'. Neither is there 'the one'. You're just settled for.

You are not the only one who fills his stomach with butterflies every time your lips part uttering words as delicate as he has never known. You are not the only one who he thinks of in the middle of the day and smiles to himself as memories gush through his beautiful mind. No, you are not the only one who he enjoys having conversations with -- conversations which may mean absolutely nothing but could very well mean everything in a week or two. Neither are you the only one he looks forward to seeing everyday. And that's okay.

************************

As she speaks, he wonders what it would be like to press his dried lips onto hers to steal some moist from that sip of single malt she tasted seconds ago. As she sweeps her fringe away from her eyes to have a clearer view of him, he catches a glimpse of what could possibly be his universe. As she laughs, he fails to stop himself from wondering what it would be like to be the first person to experience exactly that every morning. And at the end of the evening, as she walks away, she leaves pieces of herself he wished he could be a part of.

************************

So he carefully counts his steps making his way into the bedroom while you are fast asleep, he sits next to you to take a better look at how peaceful you look and how you remind him of the beauty this life has to offer. And as he kisses your forehead, with eyes barely opened, you cast a smile and turn onto the other side thinking to yourself that you are the only one.

And that's okay.

Lynette Tan

P/S: Don't Go.

Her eyes swollen with regret

Lips -- quiver with lies

Hands shiver from droplets of cold salted tears

Begging -- she falls to her knees

She cries "You must believe me. I have loved you with all my heart and my soul knows no one but you. You must believe me!"

He stands frozen by their bedroom wall.

She cries even harder "I can't live knowing you don't see me anymore. You are my universe and everything beyond what is real in this life. Please. Don't go."

And as he moved his lips about to say someth-..., she wakes up from the dream her mind collected from frames that so often haunt her days.

And she knew that she had already said too much. Felt too much. Shared too much. Showed too much. Fell too hard.

Lynette Tan